Confusion will be MY Epitaph

"The Words of the Prophets are written on the Subway Walls and Tenement Halls..."

"...The Wall on which the prophets wrote... Is cracking at... the seams..."

• Something Big: Memories to last a (digital) lifetime
• When I was checking up the other day on how much memory on my Google Drive remained, I was astonished at how much I still had. Despite putting so many documents, presentations and PDF's on to the cloud in over seven years of use, I had barely used up a fraction of a percent thus far! I have no clue as to how I could possibly use up so much available space, as except I use it for... less than legal purposes, there would be no way as to fill it up to the maximum limit.
• Something Broken: The Mind is a plaything of not just the body, but itself
• I don't think like most people. I don't have the same impulses, the same drives that the average man has. While in a flight of fancy I can imagine an literary scene as if it was in real time, and yet in the same moment I could not understand how torque is calculated, despite taking and passing a college-level physics course. I can see the relationships between characters and themes as clearly as dry glass, and yet my mind fogs up when my mind needs to figure out what a person in the real world really wants or is feeling. My IQ is lauded, and yet I can't help but feel that in this interpersonal world it is less than useless. How could I ever understand how another thinks when I can't even understand my own thoughts and actions?
• Something Artistic: Confusion will be MY Epitaph
• Music is one of the highlights of my life, but it was not until recently that I had discovered a song by King Crimson called "Epitaph". A "sequel" of sorts to the Simon and Garfunkel song "the Sound of Silence", it is an ode to the dark future ahead, where civilization crumbles around us as we dunk our heads into the sand. Sometimes I have no clue what the future holds, but in other times I can imagine oh so terribly how disastrous things can become and are becoming. I dream of nuclear war, a world that is safe to no child, and to this I can only wail the song's chorus: "Yes, I feel tomorrow I'll be crying... Yes, I feel tomorrow I'll be crying..."
• Something Mysterious: How positive and joyous an emotion...
• What does it mean to love? This not an uncommon question, but unlike others I truly have no idea as to how to do so. What would my family say, if I were to tell them, "I do not know if I love you, I do not know how such is accomplished"? What would whoever should be wife say, if I were to confess, "Am I supposed to feel warm when I am beside you? Am I truly someone who cares about you, and your wellbeing?" I can feel happiness, satisfaction, and a whole host of negative emotions, but have I ever truly loved? Are the bonds I form with others as strong as steel... or as delicate as a stem?

Image Credit: "Munich Subway Station" via Wikimedia Commons

Title: “Are you Snoopy’s Father?”

•   Something Big: Bird’s-eye View

Last summer my son was able to drone my mom’s 260-acre property on Kauai. The first time I saw his drone shots of my mere five acres, I was blown away. As humans, we intellectually realize that we do not see the world as birds do, but I doubt we ever realized what they actually did see. Flying in an airplane is not the same thing; only a drone shot can show us what we’ve all been missing. My mother turned 90 years old this year, and I can honestly say that giving her a drone video of the 260 acres that she has created over a span of 30 years, is nothing short of a miracle.

•   Something Broken: Divorce

You never think it’ll happen to your family. Actually, I didn’t even realize it happened to hardly anyone. It was the ‘70s though: the decade of a very high divorce rate. All things considered, it went well. My parents both remarried, I was almost an adult anyway, and the good times continued; just in a different way. But, let it be said that the effects of divorce never end, moving from generation to generation. It’s not bad; it’s just annoying.

                                                   Image credit: https://flic.kr/p/9mREbe

•   Something Artistic or Man-made: My Peanuts siblings

My dad hated the question, “Are you Snoopy’s father?” He knew what they meant, but he always said, “No.” His poor fans looked perplexed. In essence, he was Snoopy’s father, but he was also mine. The Peanuts comic strip was “born” in 1950, and my siblings and I were all born between 1950 and 1958. Because I was the age of the characters, I have to say that they did feel like siblings to me. I always felt kind of dumb thinking of fictional characters as real human beings, but I did. They were very real to me, and I liked having them around. It’s been over fifty years since I grew up with my dad’s other “kids,” and my feelings are still the same: I like having them around. They bring me security.

•   Something Mysterious: Miracle of Birth

It feels too cliche to discuss the “miracle of birth,” but I must. You have to be there to fully comprehend and absorb the miracle of it. Many mothers say that there is nothing like the miracle of their first-born, but I beg to differ. I began to realize, as I made my way through all nine births of our children, that the more I had, the more miraculous it seemed. It was a mystery as to how these little souls could’ve been growing inside me for nine months and then one day just come into this world as a complete being, ready to start their own life.

Why Disney Channel... Just Why?

• Something Big: How Donald Trump Became President- When I found out that Donald Trump was running for president while I was on my mission, I was genuinely shocked. As I saw some bits and pieces about his campaign from other people and from the news, he was very much painted as being incompetent and unfit to run the country, especially with his impassioned declarations about building the wall. Along with that, many A-list celebrities were actively speaking against him. It really seemed as though everyone was against him. Because of that, I was truly shocked when I woke up and my parents told me that he won and was now the president of the United States.
• Something Broken: The Music Industry- It's no secret that the music industry/entertainment industry isn't perfect. Many people have come forward saying that music execs pressured them to act a certain way and do certain things and others have talked about their record label not promoting their music as much as other artists. Now obviously, greed is a big motivator behind the actions of a lot of these people taking control of the artists' images and style and whatnot. However, what I don't understand is how this industry managed to become so successful when these issues are well known by the general public.
• Something Artistic or Man-Made: The Fourth Halloweentown movie Return to Halloweentown- Okay, I'm still coming down from the spooky high of Halloween, so please bear with me. If you had a good childhood, like I did, then you probably grew up watching Disney Channel, including all of the movies in it's iconic Halloweentown franchise. However, if you've watched the fourth and final movie Return to Halloweentown, you've probably noticed that it has some issues. Number One, they replaced Kimberly J. Brown, who played the protagonist Marnie Piper, with actress Sara Paxton (pictured above, in the film). Disney, I don't care what you tell me or have other characters say, THAT'S NOT MARNIE!!! Number Two, why was Witch University never mentioned in any of the previous movies? If it's as big of a deal as it is for Halloweentown, why couldn't there have been a line casually mentioning it in passing, or something? I have many more questions and I could talk about this for hours, but you get the point.
• Something Mysterious: How is Tori Kelly Not More Famous?- This question literally keeps me up at night sometimes. For those who don't know, Tori Kelly is an incredibly talented singer, a vocal queen, who is extremely underrated. Some of her previous songs have performed decently well on the music charts, but she is still relatively unknown by most people. How is it that is amazing woman, with the voice of an angel, is still not big, when she is capable of doing things like this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aLPCbJJL2M (you're welcome).

Image Credit: http://halloweentown.wikia.com/wiki/File:Marnie_Cromwell-Piper.PNG Public Domain

I Don't Know

Something Big: The earth is absolutely massive
I've always loved flying. I love the airport, I love free pretzels and I love sipping a ginger ale cranapple mix out of a tiny red straw. The craziest part of flying to me is the descent. It's insane to look out the window and see how tiny and monopoly like all the buildings and properties look, sky scrapers look like you could push them over with your hand and the land plots in circles and squares make you feel like you're a child playing with a toy city. The magnitude of how enormous and how small the world is all at the same time is completely baffling to me.

Something Broken: Children's Unit at the Utah State Hospital
I'm taking an abnormal psychology class this semester because it totally fascinates me. We are required to volunteer 22 hours for the semester and I somehow ended up in a unit that I don't think I'm technically supposed to be on, but it's been cool, terrifying and heartbreaking at the same time. I volunteer on the children's unit. For a child to be institutionalized in a psych hospital, it has to be pretty intense for them to get there. They need to be completely uncontrollable, have almost committed murder or be a serious threat to others. To justify these kids being taken away from their families it has to be so out of hand that the benefit of treatment outweighs the damage of being away from parents. But there is so much dissonance. These boys will be in the hospital for months, with little to no parental love or closeness, they learn behaviors from each other, they hurt and have to sleep in their cell room with a sheet and a blanket. There is no one to hold them if they cry. It can't be right.

Something Artistic: Music
There is no other way I'd rather spend my money than on a good concert. I'm not moneybags over here, but I'm more than happy to shell out, travel or go to ridiculous measures to see one of my favorite artists. I think I'm my absolute happiest when I'm listening to incredible music that makes me feel things. I can't get enough of it. Now I'm obsessed with creating it on my own music that hopefully does that same thing for other people. (click here if you're curious) . I'm still not where I want to be, but the fact that music can do that for people enthralls me. I want to do that for others, and I'm not quite there yet, but I will be someday.

Something Mysterious: Death
The classic primary lesson of the glove and the hand makes sense. It does. But when someone I know dies, it still is baffling to me. The fact that they can be here, and then gone is so disheveling to me. The fact that someday my parents will die is haunting. The rest of the world will continue on, but when that day comes and the people that have been the most consistent in my life are gone I know it'll totally rock my world.

What Brings Us Together?

Something Big: The mountains are calling
Every time I walk out my front door I look up at the mountains. Whether they're covered in a white blanket, glowing under sunset rays, or basking in the midday sunlight, I can't get enough. It becomes almost a staring contest because I think that the longer I look the more I'll be able to comprehend their grandeur and beauty. The fact that something so indescribably beautiful can exist baffles me. I will stare at the mountains for twenty minutes straight, and I still can't wrap my head around it. They don't look real to me, they look like romanticized scenes from a painting. I just can't understand how the earth can be so beautiful or what humans have done to deserve something so magnificent.

Something Broken: What brings us together?
I know that marriage is all the hype in life, but I just don't really understand what the point is. If anything else had only a 50% success rate, nobody would do it. If love leads people to get married, then where does that go? If two people truly love each other in a marriage, then how do they get to the point of walking away? I guess I'm with Haddaway in asking, "What is love?" If it's this all-powerful emotion that can change the world, why can't it keep people together and happy? And also, why does everyone push marriage when you only have a 50/50 chance of ending up happy in the end?

Something Artistic or Man-Made: The sound of music
Something so obvious yet so perplexing. Notes, chords, harmonies, instruments--how is it that these can have such an effect on our emotions? I can be feeling completely as I describe in the "Something Broken" section above, but throw on "Livin' For You" by Boston, and within minutes you have me borderline crying and fantasizing about love and romance. It's beyond my understanding; it has the power to reach people from all walks of life and experience. You can have a group of a hundred people with different stories, interests, background, careers, but when "Sugar We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy starts playing, you will never see a more united group of people for those three and a half minutes.

Something Mysterious: Missing Someone
Five years ago, my family suffered the loss of my dad. It was hard, but people told me it would get better. Five years later, and I don't think it's gotten better; it's just gotten normal. When I think about the pain, it feels just as strong and overwhelming as it did back then. I'm just used to it now. The human heart has such phenomenal strength to overcome, but it seems that the pain of missing someone who has died is something that the heart can't overcome. How is it that in the midst of this pain you can feel so overwhelmed that you feel like you might die, but continue to go on?

Being Me vs Being Human

Something Big:  The Past
The present is too much for me to comprehend. To try and understand the truth behind history is impossible. It is impossible for us to understand the motives of prominent historical figures and major events that took place. It is completely irrational to label history as "noble," "patriarchal," "ethnocentric," or "oppressive." There are too many details that I don't know to put a label to it. While I do my best to understand the details that I know, I will never fully understand what happened in the past. Who to credit, and who to blame.

Something Broken: My Willpower
I can tell myself that I need to study for seven hours straight, but I will not even get through the first half hour without resistance from myself. It makes me wonder; who is really controlling me? Some call it the battle of the "natural man," but that name is only words associated with a part of the psyche that is incomprehensible. We call it the "natural man" to label it; but we don't understand what it is, where it came from, or why it is always with us.     

Something Artistic: Les Miserables
Les Miserables is one of my favorite stories. The transcendent yet relatable themes leave me in awe. Terrible things happen to well-meaning characters (hence its title) yet I was more satisfied with the ending of that story than any other story I have come across. I can't tell if Les Miserables gave me more faith that justice would ultimately reign or that I could trust in the mercy of the transcendent.
     
Something Mysterious: My Interests 
I love hunting, basketball, golf, menswear, and art. But why? No matter how many times my wife makes me watch Pride and Prejudice, it does not interest me. I could try and force myself to enjoy fishing, but I will never feel fulfilled doing. Some might say that I was raised and groomed into my interest. If that were the case then my other siblings and I would have similar interests, and we do not. There is something inside of me that makes me interested in those things. The scary thing is that it is something that is out of my control. I didn't choose to have those interests, those interests resonated with a part of me that is impossible for me to explain.     

A Thousand Decisions

Something Broken:
I have anxiety. I won't put a capital "A", I'm not even certain enough about my own mental illness to characterize it like that. I worry. All the time. I grind my teeth and scrunch my shoulders. I had a panic attack in the testing center just yesterday. Most of the time, I don't even know what I'm actually anxious about. I'm just afraid. Something is wrong. My best friend is annoyed with me. I''ll never be enough at work. I'm a nuisance at best to all the people I love. I know it's wrong, but I can't stop the thoughts from coming. There's a missing link in my mind. I don't know if it'll ever be fixed.

Something Big:

My family in Kauai 2014

I was in Hawaii in 2014 for a graduation trip. We were on Kauai- a gorgeous island- and me and my dad and my brother hiked to a beach that you couldn't get to by the water. They were climbing the rocks, I found a cave. I thought it was a cave. As soon as I stepped into it, I saw that it was a tunnel. Something grabbed my soul. I had to know what was on the other side. The air was still. The beach that was only half a step behind me felt like a different universe. There was dark water between me and the other side. No way around it, no light hitting it at all. I could have been safe. Walked back to the beach. But I had to know. I walked through the water to a smaller beach on the other side. It felt important. It felt like I'd made thousands of decisions all at once.

One of my worse mishaps 

Something Man Made:
I collect fountain pens. There is something about them that pulls at me. I love the sound of their scratch on the paper. I love the feeling of good ink gliding generously out of a well-made nib. But there's more than that. The weight of it in my hand, the ink stains I invariably get on my fingers, refilling them, watching the words swirl from them- it feels like a connection to something that matters. Something I'll only ever get glimpses of. Something I can only reach for with a fountain pen in my hand.

Something Mysterious:
The way that people interact is marvelous to me. I'm a scientist. A rational thinker, and a hard worker. Everything in life can be accomplished through thinking it through and rolling up your sleeves except relationships with other people. I have good friends. I get along with my family. I have a great boyfriend. I just don't understand how any of it happened. It takes a different kind of work- irrational work. What kind of emotional currency is exchanged? How does anyone really know what anyone else is thinking? I do it just like everyone else, but I'll be darned if I understand any of it.