If You Have A Friend Who’s Been Accused of Sexual Assault, This Letter is For You

Dear friend of the person they say assaulted someone,

Christine Blasey Ford is sworn in to testify before Congress

I know. You know them, and the person you know wouldn't do that. Right? But please, don't be quick to dismiss his accuser (because it probably is his accuser, isn't it?). It’s an understandable impulse, wanting to defend him, even admirable. Ultimately, however, it is a dangerous one. Defensiveness is something with which we all must tread lightly.

I know. In this, the era of the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements and #BelieveWomen, it would be easy for someone to make something up. Wouldn't it? Maybe she (because it probably is a she, isn't it?) is angry with him and has just decided to ruin his life. Maybe she just misunderstood what happened, it wasn't assault. Maybe she felt pressured to lie about it because of the consequences from her family, her peers, or whoever if she admitted to having sex.

I know. I promise, I do. But let’s take not focus on him. Let’s focus on her, and wonder, just while you read this, if what she’s saying is true.

Martin Luther nails his 95 theses to the church door.

Have you ever thought about the courage it takes to speak up? It’s difficult to change what we know, or what we think we know, when a new idea or new information comes along. Martin Luther, who kickstarted the Protestant Reformation, found that out for himself, on a very real level. He saw something that was wrong, and he spoke up. His actions put his very life in danger, but they also brought great and effective religious reform to the Western World.
During the Enlightenment, emphasis on human rights saw a socially tumultuous period in the late eighteenth century. The American revolutionaries had the courage to fight because they felt  something was unjust, and they refused to be quiet about it. And in France, Olympe de Gouges’s refusal to be silent effectively caused her execution.

Suffragettes in New York City march for their right to vote

This pattern repeats throughout the modern era. Social movements were an important part of this era of change and experimentation, and once again, the people who dared to speak up about changes they wanted, were punished for their decisions to do so. From suffragettes who were restrained and force fed after being arrested to members of the Civil Rights movements who were beaten and killed, the decision to speak out against those in power carried some ugly consequences.

Now let’s take another look at this girl, and at your friend. The New York Times says many things make it difficult for people to talk about their experience with assault: maybe it took them a while to realize they were sexually assaulted; or they don't perceive themselves as looking like a sexual assault survivor; or they didn't fight back; or they were still friends with the perpetrator for a while after the assault.

From left to right: the author with her sister and
mother, a few days after the author's sexual assault

So-- back to our beginning. I do I know how you feel. And I know how she feels. And I can say that because I have been both of you, simultaneously. I didn't want my ex-boyfriend to be a perpetrator. I didn't want to be a victim. I thought I knew him. I thought I might love him. But people are very good at hiding themselves from you when they want to be hidden.

In summarizing Blaise Pascal’s Thoughts, Amelia Oross said, “[Progress] comes from seeing yourself wholly rather than only being willing to see the parts that you like.” I don't know you, or your friend, or the girl. I don't know your situation. But I do know that none of us gain anything from deceiving ourselves about our own natures or the natures of those around us. As unpleasant as it may be, now is the time to honestly assess everyone involved-- because professing to “believe women” is meaningless unless you are also willing to believe women when it is painful for you.

Lastly, if you got this far, I'd like to thank you for listening. I really do appreciate it.

-- Cassidy