A Thousand Decisions

Something Broken:
I have anxiety. I won't put a capital "A", I'm not even certain enough about my own mental illness to characterize it like that. I worry. All the time. I grind my teeth and scrunch my shoulders. I had a panic attack in the testing center just yesterday. Most of the time, I don't even know what I'm actually anxious about. I'm just afraid. Something is wrong. My best friend is annoyed with me. I''ll never be enough at work. I'm a nuisance at best to all the people I love. I know it's wrong, but I can't stop the thoughts from coming. There's a missing link in my mind. I don't know if it'll ever be fixed.

Something Big:

My family in Kauai 2014

I was in Hawaii in 2014 for a graduation trip. We were on Kauai- a gorgeous island- and me and my dad and my brother hiked to a beach that you couldn't get to by the water. They were climbing the rocks, I found a cave. I thought it was a cave. As soon as I stepped into it, I saw that it was a tunnel. Something grabbed my soul. I had to know what was on the other side. The air was still. The beach that was only half a step behind me felt like a different universe. There was dark water between me and the other side. No way around it, no light hitting it at all. I could have been safe. Walked back to the beach. But I had to know. I walked through the water to a smaller beach on the other side. It felt important. It felt like I'd made thousands of decisions all at once.

One of my worse mishaps 

Something Man Made:
I collect fountain pens. There is something about them that pulls at me. I love the sound of their scratch on the paper. I love the feeling of good ink gliding generously out of a well-made nib. But there's more than that. The weight of it in my hand, the ink stains I invariably get on my fingers, refilling them, watching the words swirl from them- it feels like a connection to something that matters. Something I'll only ever get glimpses of. Something I can only reach for with a fountain pen in my hand.

Something Mysterious:
The way that people interact is marvelous to me. I'm a scientist. A rational thinker, and a hard worker. Everything in life can be accomplished through thinking it through and rolling up your sleeves except relationships with other people. I have good friends. I get along with my family. I have a great boyfriend. I just don't understand how any of it happened. It takes a different kind of work- irrational work. What kind of emotional currency is exchanged? How does anyone really know what anyone else is thinking? I do it just like everyone else, but I'll be darned if I understand any of it.