- Something Big This Way Swims
The idea of swimming in the water with whales
makes me sick to my stomach. Not sharks. Not crocodiles. A barracuda could chew
on my toes but I’d welcome it if I had to choose between that or a whale. Jaws is
a staple in my family; if you don’t like Jaws,
you are disowned. But whales…my toes are curling right now just thinking of
them. I don’t
know why. I can’t explain it.
- Something Broken: Motherhood Addiction
I hate my older sister because she started using
dangerous street drugs when she was about 13. However, I didn’t start hating
her when she was 13. I started to hate when she had children. In our youth, I watched my parents groggily wake to the normal phone
call in the middle of the night that J— was in jail again. I remember my father
pulling on his jeans and untied shoes to go and pay the bail with the money he
didn’t have. I also remember the last phone call, when my father sighed and
said, “I’m not coming,” hung up the phone, and went back to sleep. In that
time, it was easy to forget about her, to ignore her and feel bad from a
distance. For some reason, J— decided to be a mother and that’s when I started
hating her. Because watching her destroy her own life was easy, but watching
her destroy the lives of my two nephews is different. They didn’t choose the
drugs or the abuse, but they face all the same consequences. They are broken because
of a selfish, broken mother and their lives are barely beginning.
- Something Artistic: Nights in White Satin
My parents’ marriage fell apart shortly
after my sister had her children. Attempting full-time jobs, court visits,
social worker intervention, and trying to keep their grandsons out of foster
care, they fell apart. I’m not sure their union will improve soon. As reformed
hippies, the music of the late 20th century were integral part of
their lives and an important aspect of my childhood. Their “song” is Nights in White Satin by the Moody
Blues. Whenever that song was played, they danced, no matter the situation.
They haven’t danced in a really long time. But when I miss the feelings of
normalcy and the ignorant façade of a happy, stable family disperses, I listen
to Nights in White Satin and it cures
my world for about 6 minutes.
- Something Mysterious: Why Does He Love Me
I get it, God loves me. But I don’t
understand why God loves me.
“God loves you because He is your father.”
“He loves you because you are His
daughter.”
“He loves because you are trying your
best.”
“He misses you and wants you to come home,
so He will always help you.”
I know, I know. But my question isn’t
answered; why does God love me? Tell me all those things again. I get it. But
they are unsatisfying answers. And sometimes I am so frustrated with trying to
find the why, that I wish the concept didn’t exist at all. I wish God wouldn’t
love me because it would make more sense.
Image Credit "Moby Dick" (Public Domain Image vs Wikimedia Commons)
It's neat to better get to know you through these blog posts. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteYou last section reminded me of an experience from my mission: we were teaching a man from Egypt who had strong Muslim beliefs and was a very deep thinker. During a lesson he stopped us and asked, "Why does God love us? And don't tell me because we're His children or anything because there are people who don't love their children." I didn't know how to answer him, but my inspired companion quietly replied, "Because He's perfect."
You are dealing with a lot of really tough issues that are the negative consequences of other people's choices. We only like agency when it benefits us; it's not such a good idea when it doesn't. Normal parents DO love their children more than they can love anything else. They have no choice! Believe me, I know. I've had three kids on drugs and there were so many times that I wished I didn't have to still feel such love for them. I had no choice. God has no choice. He has to love us.
ReplyDeleteWow, Amy. Profound response.
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